Today, I was notified of the death of a neighbor in my old neighborhood.

From the Daily Herald:

John Paul Tanner

John Paul

Tanner

1942 ~ 2010

John Paul Tanner, age 67, passed away April 23, 2010, following complications with heart surgery. He was born in Reno, Nevada July 28, 1942 to Leroy Mack and Betty Tanner, and was primarily raised in Boise, Idaho. John served a mission for the LDS Church in Mexico. He earned a Bachelor’s degree in Industrial Engineering and a Master’s Degree in Engineering Administration from the University of Utah. He had a passion for computers and worked in hospital Information Systems Administration. His rewarding career resulted in several moves and different residences across the country. These led to treasured associations with many dear friends. John’s priorities were his faith and his family. He was a strong and gentle man. He was very kind. He led and taught by example. John had a wonderful sense of humor and excelled at seeing the positive in people. His greatest success in life was that of husband and father. He is loved dearly by his family. His ultimate joy and interest in life was his children and grandchildren. John is survived by his wife and best friend, Sandy Tanner, his five children: Mark (Jody) Tanner, Janine (John) Sirrine, Matt (Deanne) Tanner, Alison Tanner, Andrew (Keishah) Tanner, his 15 grandchildren, mother Betty Tanner, brother Jim (Kay) Tanner and sisters Nancy (Paul) Taylor, Becky (Steve) Beus, and Jerry (Vernon) Christopherson. He was preceded in death by his father Mack Tanner. Funeral Services will be held at 11:00am on Wednesday, April 28 at the Sharon Park 3rd Ward chapel, located at 225E 200N in Orem, Utah. Family and friends may call on the family Tuesday evening, April 27 from 6:00-8:00pm at the Walker Sanderson Funeral Home, 646 East 800 North, and Wednesday morning at the church from 10:00-10:45am prior to the services.

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John Tanner moved into the condo next to ours within the last year I lived in that part of town, through 2004.

Around the same time, we acquired our cat, Boo - a black Bombay cat we found as a stray near where my daughter was attending preschool.  Boo was always freindly with anyone who’d pet or even feed him.  He’d spend all day making friends with the elderly neighbors in the condos, but a few times he’d go missing for a couple days and show up hungry.  We never knew where he was going, until we talked to John one day.

Turns out, John and his wife though Boo was a stray.  One day he walked into their condo like he owned the place, meowing for food and attention.  They kept him in case someone came around looking for him.  A few days later, he got out and went missing.

I don’t remember how we found out what happened, but I seem to remember them asking about a black cat because they were missing one, and we asked them if he had a particular collar on.  That’s when we realized he’d been living at two houses.

Years after moving, I’d see John from time to time.  He was a client of my company, and I’d always come say hello to him.  We’d reminisce about the cat and his antics.  We’d catch up on the neighbors (they were still ward members when I left that neighborhood).  I never indicated to him that I’d left the church, even when he’d talk about church from time to time.  For the small part he played in my life, I was grateful to have a friendly neighbor who was always nice to me.

My heart goes out to his family.  He was very loving, and I’m sure there’s a huge gap in their hearts right now.

In my own way, I know that he’s still with us.  I may not believe in religion or a god, but I do believe that we are as much a part of this universe as each and every atom in our body is.  We are made of the same bits as everything else, and whatever it is that makes us alive continues for eons.  John has returned to his origins.

Thank you, John Tanner, for feeding my cat.

I’ve been sick the past few days.

The last time I recall feeling this sick was a few years ago at the old house.  I used to often get sick at the old house, which went away when we took the swamp cooler out.  I can only speculate as to this coincidence, but I’ve always felt that it was probably due to the mold that a swamp cooler collects.  Something up in that monstrosity must have been keeping me sick.

The new house has a swamp cooler that doesn’t look like it’s been used in years.  The water line isn’t hooked up, and the switch on the wall doesn’t turn it on.  It’s probably safe, but you can’t help but wonder when you get this bad.

I have a nasty head cold with a nasty cough, complete with chills and hot temperatures.  Last night I didn’t sleep much, as I was sweating profusely while covered only in a standard sheet.  At 4AM when I woke up because I couldn’t breathe any more, I took some pills and came back to bed.  I was shivering under the sheet and blanket, so jill threw another blanket over me and cuddled with me so I could warm up.  A few minutes later, I was sweating all over again.  It was too hot under just the sheet, and freezing cold with nothing over me.

Illness frustrates me.  I don’t like being out of work, even if the day is paid for, but I know I’d be suffering if I went in (not to mention infecting everyone with this crud).  I don’t feel well enough to write for very long (my arms and legs are cold right now, and I’m wearing flanel pants and a jacket).  The only think I’m good for is watching TV, which I don’t like that much, either.  If I go to sleep, I’ll wake up drenched every few minutes.  I just can’t win, and that’s what bugs me about being sick the most - not being able to do anything.

I just wish it would go away.

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I started my taxes in mid-February.  I usually do them sooner rather than later, so I’m not scrambling to do them in April.  This year, I’ve been “working” on them for two months.  I’m about ready to declare myself my own nation and forego the United States.  I feel like I’m being taxed to death.

First, over the last few years, I keep owing the State of Utah money.  Back in 2005 and 2006, I always had a refund - not much, but something.  I tried to keep my payroll deductions at the right level so I wasn’t owing anything, but also not giving the state too much of a free loan.

When I separated from my ex, and eventually got divorced, I expected things to change.  The first year, I started owing money.  The next year, I still owed money.  The same for last year’s taxes.

So early last year, I went and lowered my state deductions.  This year, I owe about half of previous years.

It’s not much.  I just don’t like having to pay anything.  And if I take less deductions, you might think I was single based on my paycheck deductions for the state.

So I’ve known that I owe the state, and like the last four years, I planned on filing on the state’s web site.  This year, however, the state moved to new software and needed me to register as new.  It asked for information I didn’t have, so I tried to log into my old state taxes (as I’ve done every year), and it dumps me back into the registration.  I have to register to get the data I need to have in order to register.  Thanks, Utah.

So I had to file through Turbo Tax.  Problem there is, since I’ve lost some of my data twice in the last five years due to a crashed hard drive, I moved to their online software (instead of installing it on my desktop).  I’ve used Turbo Tax for about 15 years, and for the most part, it’s been a good experience.  USUALLY, I paid about $45 for the Federal and state software, e-filed for Federal for free, then used TurboTax to check my state for problems and either filed by mail (since I had to pay them anyway), or filed on Utah’s web site - both for no extra charge.

This year, I had to pay $70.  TurboTax was $30 for the Federal, which I filed in February.  Today, I had to drop another $40 for the state access because I couldn’t file on the state’s web site without registering, whic required information I could only access AFTER registration.  It was the only way I could get it in on time.  And if I’d known all this in February, I’d still be waiting for requested information to register anyway, meaning I’d still be in this predicament.

Now, add to that a nice little form I got in March from Utah saying I owe them money from my 2007 taxes (which they don’t tell you how much) because they looked at my 2007 Federal return and noticed an incorrect number was transposed to my state return.  I have my 2007 Federal returns, and checked the number - I used the right number.  I made copies of everything and used registered mail to send them copies of my return and W2.

Last week, I get mail back which basically ignores what I sent them and says I confirmed what they were claiming - which I hadn’t.  They included a bill for $80, including interest (I love how they can charge ME interest, but I can’t charge THEM interest if I overpaid my taxes on my paychecks).  I could file an appeal through their appeal department, but I can already tell that it’ll entail a lot more time than I have.  It’s easier to pay the $80 - and I think they damn well know that.

As for Federal.  We’re looking at a good return, given that we bought a house last year and qualified for the tax credit.  The first thing I run into is the fact that you can’t e-file if you claim the new home buyer credit.  No one ever mentions that (it changed in November when the credit was extended).  Suddenly, I’m looking at 8 weeks instead of 8 days.  So I send in the forms, as TurboTax told me to.  Two months later, I get a letter from the IRS telling me they need a copy of paperwork from the sale, as well as a copy of our W-2s.  I waited TWO MONTHS to find out they needed more info!  Thank you, TurboTax.  So I’ve faxed in copies of what they need, and I have to wait another 6 to 8 weeks for my refund.

I’m done with TurboTax, I can tell you that much.  I could get a better experience from a kid workin part-time at H&R Block, or a quality experience with a professional.  After 15 years of using TurboTax, I’m fed up with the problems.

They don’t store any of your data.

They charge higher rates for online usage than on your desktop.

They don’t include KEY information you need to provide.

They don’t really do much else than a tax preparer at Wal-Mart would.

I’m frustrated, and so done with them.  This tax year has been a real pain in the ass, and will continue to be a pain in my ass for the next 6 to 8 weeks.  Thanks, Intuit.

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Google Changes Its Name

Recently, I reconnected with a couple friends I knew through the LDS church. We’ve emailed back and forth a bit (if you’re reading this, I haven’t given up - I’ve just been delayed!).

They were quite dismayed to learn that I had left the LDS church since both families moved to various parts of the world. More so than the fact that I’d gotten divorced since I spoke them last.

Over the past month, I’ve thought from time to time about my religious and/or spiritual beliefs, but haven’t been able to explain them very well to Jill, let alone anyone else. I also find it difficult to explain why I left the Mormon church, or for that matter, why I joined it in the first place. Additionally, as I browse through the long history of this blog, I come to a point where the blog was more of an outlet to vent my frustrations about the LDS church. I even recently remarked on how the blog was my sounding board for frustrations, but never mentioned that one of those frustrations was the realization that my religious beliefs weren’t my own.  In fact, I even ran another blog that was entirely devoted to my experience, until I’d moved on enough to want to stop devoting so much time to talking about it.

Being unable to explain myself without a long and drawn-out explanation, I found it easier to not talk about it.  In fact, there are still some people at work who have no idea I ever was LDS, let alone the fact that I left it.

Today, I was browsing some links when I cam across an interview with Bart Ehrman, author of several books concerning the historical Christianity, and distinguished professor of religious studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.  In the interview, Ehrman relays some of the reasons he left Evangelical Christianity, and over time, became agnostic.  Some of his reasoning is similar to my own for leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  More so, some of his experiences and thoughts following the disaffection of his religious beliefs resonate with my own.

From the interview:

GROSS: And a sense of meaning on life - for life - that life is, just, you know, a kind of stepping stone toward an afterlife, a profound afterlife. So now that you no longer are a believer and therefore, you probably no longer believe in heaven and hell, has it changed your motivation for what you do on Earth? And has it changed your sense of what the meaning of your life is?

Prof. EHRMAN: That’s a great question. You know, what happened with me with respect to heaven and hell - I guess is what happened with a lot of the Christian doctrines - is as a historian, I came to see where these ideas came from. And I realized that these ideas didn’t descend from heaven one day soon after Jesus’s death, that in fact, the doctrines of heaven and hell were human creations -that the humans came up these views of heaven and hell.

And in my book, I explain a little bit how that happened, that doctrines of heaven and hell developed within early Christianity; that they weren’t actually the teachings of Jesus or of his earliest followers, but they were later developments, as were the doctrines of the trinity, for example, or the divinity of Christ.

But as to what effect that had on me personally - one of the reasons I was afraid to become an agnostic was - when I was still a Christian - is I thought that if I became an agnostic, I would have no grounds for ethical behavior. Id have no moral compass. And I thought that that would probably lead me to become a completely licentious reprobate.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Prof. EHRMAN: But as it turns out, that’s completely wrong. I think I actually have more of a sense of the meaning of life now than I ever had as a believer. There are lots of reasons to behave ethically. I think many of us are simply hardwired to want to love our neighbor as ourselves, and to try and do unto others as wed want them to do unto us. And I think that since life is all there is - this life is it, that after we die, we no longer exist - that we should grab life for everything that it can give us. And we should live life to its fullest and should enjoy it as much as we can because this is not a dry run for something else. This is it. And we should help other people who are suffering now so they, too, can enjoy life. And so, in fact, my giving up on the sense of an afterlife has made this life for me much more meaningful.

Emphasis added.

For me, being LDS meant accepting someone else’s interpretation of the meaning of life.  The view that I was supplied while a member of the church was not that of gospel, but that of men who had thought long and hard about the issues of mankind.  The meaning of life seemed to be one where I needed to do my best, endure the worst, and make it to the end.  The problem is, the end has been near for about 2000 years now.  Every religious figure since the time of Jesus - and even before - had proclaimed the coming of the Kingdom of Heaven within their lifetime.  It’s only in the last few decades that such rhetoric has been subdued (though not entirely eliminated).  Men speak on behalf of God, claiming to be the mouthpiece of God, only to be wrong more often then they are right.

To me, the meaning of life was much simpler: be a part of this life, be a part of this world.

When you live a life where you’re doing whatever it takes to obtain as much of the world as you can, you’re simply harming it and yourself.  Everything existed before you, and everything will exist after you.  You’re not so important to his lifetime that you’re irreplaceable.  But at the same time, you’re such an integral part of the world that you are part of the sum of it’s being.  You and I - we are life itself.  We are the world itself.  Harm one of the others, and you only harm yourself.  Allow others to be harmed, and it’s almost as you were also harmed.

In the most basic format, I’m a true believer in the golden rule.  I believe that it’s hard-wired into our brains.  It’s instinctive.  Killing and harming is fear, not life.  Life is existing with the world and with everything in it.  You wouldn’t want to be killed, so you know killing is wrong.  You don’t want to be robbed of your existence and the things which define you, therefore you know that stealing is wrong.

I don’t need to proclaim this as truth - if you search within yourself, you know it’s truth.  There’s no faith required.  You can feel it.  It works in conjunction with the universe.  It makes sense.

Being LDS, I denied truths I already had.  I had to twist reality to fit someone else’s explanation of the world.  I denied my true self for way too long.  Ultimately, with all the twisting of reality, something was going to break: either me, or my religion.  Instead of losing myself, I lost the confines of that religion.

It’s not to say that I don’t believe in something else.  I don’t necessarily agree with Ehrman that there’s nothing left for our entity beyond physical life.  The universe doesn’t work like that - everything is part of everything.  Nothing is wasted, and as such, our sentience must be more than nothingness.

I have faith, of sorts, that there’s more to the randomness of existence than being a wholesome part of a greater good.  I just don’t know.  I can feel the truth of my existence within this world, and only guess as to the nature of the world I cannot see or feel.  And as such, I won’t bother you with what I think we really are.  I could blog about that for a lifetime and still not find the words to adequately express myself.

In the end, I understand people like Professor Ehrman.  What we know about religion is based on what someone else has told us.  Faith is just a way of rationalizing the fact that reality is grossly different than what prophets preach.  Embrace truth, and you find a whole new take on the world.

Leaving religion, for me, helped me realize my love for this world and everything in it.   I don’t devalue my experiences as a Mormon - I simply no longer view the world through those Mormon eyes, but through human ones instead.

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